Battling bullies

Trump, a personal story about a bully, and my plan for the next 4 years

Victory of the bullies

Trump is a bully, and Elon Musk is a bully. They intimidate and insult, they use their power to harm the less-powerful, they are quick to propose violence. They are not kind.

My guess is that most Trump voters recognize him as a bully – but a bully who is on their side, who will protect them. They voted for him precisely because he would be their bully, fighting against their enemies with all of his trademark aggression. 

I love this tongue-in-cheek essay about how right-wing voters are frequently motivated by fear, perhaps subconsciously but very profoundly. When you’re afraid, you seek leaders who are tough. Trump won because he promised to fight, unkind and uncouth, against an assorted mix of enemies, and about 50% of Americans are deeply afraid of at least one of them: the elites who tolerate inflation, woke progressives, Iran and their proxies, migrants, drug dealers, etc. 

I can understand fear, and I can understand the desire for toughness. I understand the appeal of clearly calling out enemies, and the frustration against leaders who do not. 

But being tough, and clear about battling enemies, is possible while also being ethical and fundamentally kind, you don’t have to be narcissistic and hateful. Electing Trump was a terrible mistake because giving a bully more power puts everyone in real danger, enemies and supporters and bystanders alike. (And it was a terrible mistake for many other reasons, like rampant corruption, climate catastrophe, human rights of migrants, public health, Ukraine, women’s rights, etc. etc., I mean honestly, there’s a very long list here.)

Being a bully is already accepted, a normal way to act, in many places in America – in politics, in business, with neighbors, at school. It got worse when Trump was president the first time. Bullying had a stamp of approval. When dads and uncles celebrate bullies, their kids become bullies. Victims of aggression become aggressive themselves.

When bullying becomes widespread in society, aggression and violence move in every direction at once. Because bullies don’t have common enemies, there is no moral compass at work. 

Musk, the world’s most powerful antisemite, will now be more empowered than ever. 

We will all become less safe, we will cooperate less, and the prospects of life will dim for everyone.

Trump will not protect the victims, even if they voted for him. 

— 

A bully in the business world

About a year ago I was bullied at work. 

I was on the board of directors of a startup, and the company needed refinancing – we all needed to invest some more money to get through a rough period – and another board member, a professional investor, was clearly being a jerk. He was insulting the company’s management team (saying things like “you suck” and “how could you be so dumb,” like in a bad movie), he was spewing financial threats, yelling in meetings, and crying about how he was the victim. Then he went silent for weeks when the company had to wait for his decision on anything.

He targeted me, too, he told me I was an idiot and he threatened legal action against me.

My first reaction was some mix of fear and anger, a very uncomfortable feeling when a fight is coming. I lost some sleep.

My second reaction was surprise, even shock – I mean, I’m a grown man, I work with people who value kindness and respect, and it’s been many, many years since I had to deal with a bully. I thought, wait, what the hell? Who is this child in a suit? How did I land in this bad movie? How weird to have to deal with this kind of behavior as an adult.

So I started researching how to deal with bullies. I dove into the psychological literature, read business case studies, and I asked friends and colleagues for advice. I learned that there is no one “trick” to counter bullies in the business world, but there are a set of tactics that should work: 

First, find allies and build a team, don’t fight alone. 

With your team, build the largest coalition you can to counter the bully. 

Communicate constantly and thoroughly with everyone involved, control the narrative. 

Work closely with lawyers, make sure you are accompanied at every step and in every conversation. 

If there are opportunities to take legal action against the bully, take them. If there are opportunities to stop working with the bully, take them. 

Over the following weeks, I did all of that, I organized dozens of meetings and wrote long emails and spent time with lawyers. And it was a tremendous, exhausting amount of work, it consumed all of my energy and left me empty at the end of each day. I refused to be a counter-bully, I insisted on remaining ethical and kind, even as I battled with the appropriate toughness – which required discipline, which made the battle even more exhausting.

In the end, it worked. We forced the bully to participate in refinancing the company, I protected my own shares and interests, nobody got sued, and the company made it through the rough period. 

All of the tactics and strategies were necessary. But most of them required me to spend energy, they depleted me – the constant meetings, the communication, the legal maneuvering. The only tactic that actually gave me energy, that strengthened me, was the first one, creating a team.

When I stopped facing the battle alone, and instead approached it with a group of people that I care about (and who care about me), whom I trust (and who trust me), the load became lighter and the battle became winnable. I am fortunate to have partners at Imagination Machine who are super smart, ethical, and full of positive energy. When we band together, I personally feel stronger.

I know there’s nothing profound here, just a lesson that sounds trite, but is true: don’t fight alone. We are stronger together. 

— 

My plan for the next four years

We will need to battle these bullies, the ones taking control of the government and the ones emerging at all levels of society around us, the ones who will feel newly approved and powerful. It will not be fun, but we must fight back.

So here’s what I plan to do these next few years: I’m going to hold my family close, and build community wherever I can. 

I’m going to band together with friends, colleagues, extended family and neighbors. I’m going to reconnect with old friends. I’m even going to consider moving my family and home to be physically closer to the people I trust the most. 

I’m going to push myself to be more social, to participate in community organizations or found new ones. 

I’m going to try and write more on this newsletter, to build community with you all.

Wherever there is an opportunity to be with people and build strong ties, I will take it.

Now is the time for communities that are loving, respectful, and tough. Now is the time for creating new teams of kindness and strengthening the ones that exist. 

Now is the time to not be alone, because we need to stand up to these bullies, together.